Tuesday, 26 July 2011

To say goodbye to a child is truly the worst thing you can do...

Again today my thoughts go out to Mrs and Mrs Winehouse who had to say goodbye to their little girl, despite who she was, Amy was always only ever their daughter, that they brought into the world. 


It is the most terrible, painful thing to lose a child, something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Three years ago, my husband and I lost our baby to Edwards Syndrome, when I was nearly 5 months pregnant, because it was late in the pregnancy I had no choice but to give birth naturally and 2 weeks later to attend our baby's funeral. 


For a reason beyond my capacity to explain, we didn't want to know the sex of the baby and I wasn't able to take the baby in my arms or look at him/her. I can't explain why, some women want to and others can't. Thankfully my husband was strong enough to spend time with our baby alone, I think I wanted to keep the feeling of closeness to our child whilst it had been inside me, without putting myself physically and psychologically through holding and touching him/her knowing that I would not be able to do that for years to come.
Perhaps I felt that if I didn't see the baby none of had happened, some would call that denial. Those were the darkest days of my life, you suddenly realise how little control you have over your destiny, how mother nature really is more determined than you. You feel helpless, lost, angry and most of all emptiness. I can only thank my husband, close friends and parents who helped me through that time always giving me space when I needed it but  also just being there for me.


Every year on the 6th July I go to Mortlake Crematorium to spend time with my little spirit and to look at their name in the remembrance book. These last 2 years their sister Matilda has accompanied me which gives me enough strength to see through this bleak day. However, there is not one day I do not think of our little spirit that's out there watching over us and I wonder what might have been. At times I feel guilt when the 3 of us are having a fun day playing, that our first born isn't with us to share our laughter, that's when I most think about it. Alas, it was not meant to be and the only way I could deal with it at the time was to imagine the baby was a spirit that somehow needed releasing, so it had come to us for help. Now it's free to live it's life in another universe somewhere much nicer than here albeit without it's family.


So my heart goes out to Amy's parents and to anyone who has had to say goodbye to their child.




For more information on Edwards Syndrome/Trisomy 18 go to:


http://www.soft.org.uk/